This was sent to me…

A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts, ‘honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.’

He looks at her and says angrily, ‘fix the lights now? Does it look like i have ‘Powergen’ written on my forehead? i don’t think so!’

‘Fine!’ then the wife asks, ‘well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right’ to which he replied, ‘fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have ‘Fridgidaire’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’

‘Fine!’ she says ‘then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break’

‘I’m not a carpenter and i don’t want to fix steps’, he says, ‘does it look like i have ‘Taylor Woodrow’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so! I’ve had enough of this; I’m going to the pub!!!!

‘So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours……………. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home as he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, ‘how’d all this get fixed?’ she said, ‘well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.’

He said, ‘so what kind of cake did you bake?’ she replied, ‘Hellooooo.., do you see ‘Mr Kipling’ written on my forehead? I don’t think so!’

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won’t crack up over this!

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‘I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’

I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal – some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, ‘Mummy, where’s my facecloth?’

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all  my glitter saved inside it.’

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!’

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married….

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of

humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the

hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up

and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake

up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when

totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos

(MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo
clock.’

When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

A Magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, ‘Look, it’s not the same hat!’ or ‘Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!’ or ‘Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?’

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day… and then 2 days… and then 3 days. Finally on The 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said……

“O K, I give up. Where’s the f*cking ship? “

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn’t travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver,

‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘There might be something extra in it for you,’ says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!’ pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. ‘Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that – he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who have you got there, the Mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘Governor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘Who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

Chief: ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

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Cop: ‘He’s got the ******* Pope as a chauffeur!’

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong; the ship sinks, and there are only, 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.

After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.